Tag Archive | pain

Wounds hurt, but they don’t define

Been dealing with a lot lately that has been bringing on the pressure and opening a well of old memories I would rather just never come back. Been up most of the night due to a migraine and a 9 year old who just can’t sleep no matter how hard we tried. That means I have had time to think. Watched a couple movies to keep the thinking at bay as long as I could, but decided at some point I just got to let the thoughts flow so I can process and work through them.
 
One of the things that came up strongest was my disabilities and the way life has been forced to change because of them. On the outside, I may look to some like I’ve got this living with disabilities thing down. I may look strong, resilient, tough, full of faith, and ready to laugh off anything this life can throw at me. Sometimes I am those things. Sometimes I am merely attempting to convince myself that I am capable of those things.
 
Reality is that it’s a deep fight within me to keep pushing forward. A lot of prayer, a lot of suppressed tears and anger, and even fear. I refuse to give up, but there are times when I can’t run from reality… where reality instead smacks me a good one in the face. It hurts, but it’s real, and I have a great and loving Father in Heaven that holds me up, or pulls me back up off the ground if need be. He never gives up on me and helps me to not give up on myself. I will be forever grateful for that. Especially after moments like what I faced yesterday. To the outside looking in it was small, probably insignificant. Nothing I haven’t had to say or admit before; no new news to swallow. It still stung though and I fought hard to avoid facing the moment I could see coming from a mile off.
 
Without revealing the personal surrounding details, I basically found myself being faced with someone who was questioning and borderline challenging my commitment to do what needed to be done. My independence, my “work ethic” vs laziness so to speak. She went after my disabled status and finally forced the moment I was trying to avoid when she tried to push once more that I just wasn’t wanting to try and included a comment along the lines of “Why won’t you work? You can’t be disabled 24/7”.
 
It was in that moment that she ripped open one of my most painful wounds. One that has resulted in a lot of trauma, a lot of loss, a lot of change. One that I still can’t look at straight on without tears in my eyes and fire in my heart as the memories flood back to that first time waking up in a foreign hospital in Germany; the last thing I remembered being trying to walk down the hall to greet my husband who was returning home from work. That day was the start of a life changing nightmare of questions, mysterious illness, my body betraying me one system after another with no understandable reason as to why at the time.
 
After a couple of years of fighting, finding answers I didn’t like, trying to pretend I was ok even though we all knew I was only getting worse, and trying to force life to go back to “normal”, I found myself sitting in front of a judge. Sitting there, fighting back the tears and attempting to keep a straight face as I felt my back dislocate and my hip fall out of place, knowing that meant I would not be able to stand up when it was time to do so. Reading the judgement that came in the mail not long after… effectively forcing me out of the workforce for my own good and banning me from returning.
 
All of this and more came flooding into my mind and heart as I heard that woman utter those words… “you can’t be disabled 24/7″… Unfortunately… yes you can. My response to her was that I was forced out of the workforce by a court judge because I am THAT disabled. For her, that was end of that. Conversation took a different turn and she backed off in that area. For me though, the wound of the past is sitting here staring me in the face once again. I need to learn to quit being so fearful of facing it. Like it or not, it’s a part of me now. It doesn’t need to define me though. Thank God in Heaven that it doesn’t need to define me.
 
The world sees me as broken, past my prime, cast off. Being disabled is the end of the line for general society; they don’t tend to look past it well. Once you can’t fit their mold, or do all they think you should, what you still can do doesn’t amount to much in their eyes.   God however tells me I am beautiful, his daughter, a masterpiece in the making, and that I have a future worth being here for. Best of all he promises that He’s got a plan and will not let anything go to waste. Even an old wound that has caused so much damage and changed so much, can be used to help make a beautiful future if it is handed over to God. ❤

What Love Really Means

“I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

Love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew”

— from: What Love Really Means by JJ Heller

*******

This song really touches home with me on a number of levels.  The fact that I can clearly see my own story in the first two verses, and I can emotionally relate to the story in the third, makes this song resonate deeply in my soul and heart.  The last chorus though… where God is answering with so much love and compassion… that’s what makes this song truly touch my heart and encourage me with comfort and peace.

In my life, I have known a lot of rejection, a lot of abuse, a lot of cruelty… I have been out-casted and thrown away by those I should have been able to look to and trust for love and protection.  I have been betrayed, lied to, and lied about.  I have been thrown to the wolves, used as a scape goat, and have had the idea that I was completely worthless pounded into me from almost day 1.

One Person though never betrayed me.  He has always loved me, even before I could realize it or understand.  And by His grace and promises, I can rest assured that He will never leave me or forsake me.

Thank-You Father… for Your love, Your hope, Your compassion…  Thank-You for Your peace and protection, for Your shelter from the storms life has thrown at me.  Thank-you for Your loving reassurance in my times of doubt and depression, and thank-You for your patient endurance as You try to teach me and guide me along the path You have for me.

Father?  Thank-You for everything ((hugs))

In loving and grateful faith,
Your daughter in Christ,
Cindi

Tougher than I thought

Ok… I now know why I have been in so much pain lately and why I was struggling so much with my mobility. I fought it a lot thinking that I was starting to become a wimp (I can usually work through the pain and keep going anyway) but after today’s doctor visit I realize just how tough I was still being after all. I have been walking around with my entire spine either dislocated or subluxed! (the latter means half-way dislocated). EVERY JOINT was effected from my pelvis to the base of my head!

Oh and that whole thing about not being able to sit without intense pain and having to have help to be pulled out of my chair to get up sometimes because the pain was so intense? My entire right hip was DISLOCATED and I was walking (rather I’ve been limping actually) around with that for almost 6 months!

Good news is, the doctor there knew about EDS and so he also knew how to help. BETTER news, when he found out how badly I was messed up, he brought in the expert and it turned out to be my old doctor from before my insurance was changed on me. He remembered me too even after all this time. lol : )

As they were working on me though, the comments about my bones and joints slipping around so freely it felt like things floating around in soup was a bit unnerving. As well as the part where they accidentally dislocated my entire ankle while trying to straighten my left leg in order to help the subluxed left hip in hopes of helping the right one settle enough to be put back in place. My EDS has definitely gotten worse. A LOT worse. 😦 It will take about 6 months, but I am getting sent to an EDS specialist in Oklahoma to help get to the bottom of my EDS (what specific type we’re dealing with, how severe it has gotten, where to go from here, etc.) and until then, the doctors I saw today will be bringing me back in on a regular basis again so they can keep putting me back together.

Oh and to add irony into the mix, they got me all lined up right again and set my joints back in place, only for me to walk out and immediately be faced with an overloaded Autistic child. By the time I finally had David settled and okay again, half the work that was done on me all got messed up again. Dealing with severe Autism at the same time as Ehlers-Danlos is definitely no fun and games. 😦

hard night but not without hope

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The above word picture was posted on Facebook by a dear friend of mine and I couldn’t have seen it at a better moment.  It’s another all-nighter with two boys that won’t even yawn let alone lay down and stay in bed lol and we’re over at Grandma’s house again tonight too so there hasn’t been the usual things for me to do to keep myself awake and entertained (if I don’t stay somewhat entertained, the staying awake part doesn’t work out too well haha) so I’ve been messing around here and there while attempting to keep the boys’ noise level down enough to allow my mom to still get the rest she needs.

At one point, I ended up jumping on-line to check my messages and waste some time on Facebook, but when I brought up the site, the first thing I saw was his picture next to a status update about how he’s checking out new girls…  My mom’s account was still signed into from when she was on earlier.  This is where I should have immediately just logged her out and logged myself in like I always do but for some reason I let myself click on his name and look at his page.  It had been a long time since I had seen his face outside of an old picture here and there…  the long hair he finally grew looks good on him just like I thought it would way back when.  I started to remember the Aaron I once knew and fell in love with… the one I had hoped for so long would truly re-surface and take over… The random pics of him with other girls though and the piles of crude jokes and statuses among other things served to remind me again of who it was that I really lost.

I’ve been getting hurt deeply from day one of our marriage.  Literally.  To be honest I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit I couldn’t see it at first for what it really was and that when I did see it, I tried to excuse it away or make it better for so long…  And looking back on everything I can now see the red flags that should have been slapping me in the face while we were still dating… Abuse can be tricky sometimes… when you spend your life surviving certain types of abuse and finally manage to break free, you can sometimes be blinded to the very real abuse you’re entering into or being surrounded by in a new relationship simply because you’re putting all your energy and attention into making sure the old type of abuse doesn’t happen to you again.

And sometimes, you find yourself looking back after months, years, maybe even decades (mine sadly took years) and you start to realize that the pain, heartache, and fear you were living in really wasn’t all your fault like you had been taught to believe by so many for so long…  and you start trying to break free again and pick up what’s left of your shattered and confused heart…

That’s where I am now…  Thanks to God and some precious new friends that have entered my life over the last year I am getting there.  Slowly but surely.  Some nights still hit hard though and the tears start leaking out all over again…  Especially when new “fuel” so to speak has been added to the fire…

Know what hurts more than even all of that though?  He’s finally being nice to me again…  now that’s he’s getting his divorce…  he even had the nerve to say he loves me after years of me longing to hear those words but never having that privilege…  To me, that’s cold.  And it’s what hurts the most…

I heard a song on the radio today too though that made me tear up from the comfort it gave.  It fits my situation, my whole life really, pretty well…  The comforting message?  God doesn’t waste our pain…

“Nothing is Wasted” by Jason Gray

Recycling my pain?

(found on google image search)I got to go back to my Celebrate Recovery group tonight after having missed two weeks due to the seizures and then us all getting sick over here. Tonight was a lesson night and I really liked the main analogy that was used at the begining.

We were told about an old, rusty, beat up coke can. It was covered in dirt, bent up beyond repair, and even had holes in it.  Not too incredibly long ago, this can would have been deemed worthless and thrown in the trash.  It had no value any more and it was dealt with accordingly.

Then recycling came along.  Over the years we have learned about how to see that beat up old can in a whole new light.  Where as it’s still true that in it’s current state it isn’t of much use, we now no longer see it as worthless or destined for the trash.  We see the hidden potential behind all the scruffs, scratches, and dents.  We see the new life waiting for it if someone only takes the time to invest in the can to help it get there.  We see possibilities, hope, new beginnings, brighter futures.

We also know though what it will take to get the can there.  Crushing, melting, purifying, molding.  The can has a hard journey ahead of it if it wants to be made into something new.

Why-Women-are-More-Likely-to-Develop-DepressionNow think of that can as you and me.  We’ve been hurt, damaged, broken, and bruised.  We have scars from unimaginable pains and some of us have so many holes that have been shot through our self esteem and self image, we can’t even stand up anymore, let alone stand tall.  We’re worn out, weary, and in need of rest.  We’ve known heartache, abuse, neglect, addiction, shame, and more.  We’re over burdened by life’s harsh reality.  We’re crippled and laying low from life’s repeated blows.  Society sees us and thinks we’re useless.  They use terms like “has been”, “yesterday’s news”, “worthless”, “reject”, and countless others.

Now some of us may be better than others at hiding the hurt and pain.  We might be better at keeping society in general, and sometimes even our friends and family, from seeing anything past the fake smile we plaster on our faces to help us get through the days.  It’s still there though, and we know it all to well.  And we still here the labels.  The name calling and rejection still rings loudly in our minds and hearts even though no one may say it out loud.

Then, we encounter Jesus.  The One Who loves us so much and so deeply that He reaches through all the muck and mire, through all the mud slinging and shame, through all the secrets and fake smiles, and He gently knocks on the doors of our hearts and offers an invitation.

“Here I am!  I stand at the door and knock.
If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will
come in and eat with him, and he with Me.”
–Revelation 3:20

security_main2He’s offering to be our friend, our brother, our comrade.  He’s offering a listening ear, a caring heart, and warm fellowship.  But get this.  He’s not stopping there!  He also loves us so much that He’s holding out His hand to us, inviting us to allow Him to change us.  Just like the recycling process changes that old beat up can, Jesus is offering to take our battered, wounded, and beat up hearts and lives and turn us into something totally new.

The process isn’t easy and it has it’s painful moments to be sure.  Just like that can, we’ll have to allow our old selves and our old ways to be broken down, melted away, and purified.  We have to be willing to let all that pain and hardship be placed in the hands of our loving Savior so that He can push it through the fire of healing and purifying and then turn around and mold it into something more beautiful than we could have ever imagined.

myChild_main2Don’t worry, unlike the can who pretty much goes through the whole process without much thought from the recycle worker, you and I are not alone. Our Recycler (Jesus Christ) takes a very personal interest in us and walks along side us the entire way.  Holding our hand, carrying us through the rough patches that are too much for us to bear, encouraging us and keeping our hope and love alive by reminding us of His love and the future He has planned for us.

And the end result?  A whole new life.  A whole new creation. Endless possibilities. A brand new beginning.  A brighter future.  And a heart that has been hand delivered and molded by the master potter Himself with the greatest love mankind has ever known.

You see God never wastes a single hurt.  There is not a single tear that falls that He doesn’t want to heal and redeem.  Not a single broken heart He doesn’t long to hold in His hands and comfort and nourish back to wholeness and beauty.  He tells us that He is close to the broken hearted and that He gives strength to the weary.

The only catch is, He won’t force this on us.  Unlike that old and tattered can, we get to have a choice.  Will you answer His knocking?  Will you let Him in?  Will you trust Him to take your pain and scars, your dark closets and hidden memories?  I promise the end result will be nothing short of beautiful if you do.  God specializes in turning brokeness into stunning glory.  Will you let Him do it for you? : )