Tag Archive | God

Wounds hurt, but they don’t define

Been dealing with a lot lately that has been bringing on the pressure and opening a well of old memories I would rather just never come back. Been up most of the night due to a migraine and a 9 year old who just can’t sleep no matter how hard we tried. That means I have had time to think. Watched a couple movies to keep the thinking at bay as long as I could, but decided at some point I just got to let the thoughts flow so I can process and work through them.
One of the things that came up strongest was my disabilities and the way life has been forced to change because of them. On the outside, I may look to some like I’ve got this living with disabilities thing down. I may look strong, resilient, tough, full of faith, and ready to laugh off anything this life can throw at me. Sometimes I am those things. Sometimes I am merely attempting to convince myself that I am capable of those things.
Reality is that it’s a deep fight within me to keep pushing forward. A lot of prayer, a lot of suppressed tears and anger, and even fear. I refuse to give up, but there are times when I can’t run from reality… where reality instead smacks me a good one in the face. It hurts, but it’s real, and I have a great and loving Father in Heaven that holds me up, or pulls me back up off the ground if need be. He never gives up on me and helps me to not give up on myself. I will be forever grateful for that. Especially after moments like what I faced yesterday. To the outside looking in it was small, probably insignificant. Nothing I haven’t had to say or admit before; no new news to swallow. It still stung though and I fought hard to avoid facing the moment I could see coming from a mile off.
Without revealing the personal surrounding details, I basically found myself being faced with someone who was questioning and borderline challenging my commitment to do what needed to be done. My independence, my “work ethic” vs laziness so to speak. She went after my disabled status and finally forced the moment I was trying to avoid when she tried to push once more that I just wasn’t wanting to try and included a comment along the lines of “Why won’t you work? You can’t be disabled 24/7”.
It was in that moment that she ripped open one of my most painful wounds. One that has resulted in a lot of trauma, a lot of loss, a lot of change. One that I still can’t look at straight on without tears in my eyes and fire in my heart as the memories flood back to that first time waking up in a foreign hospital in Germany; the last thing I remembered being trying to walk down the hall to greet my husband who was returning home from work. That day was the start of a life changing nightmare of questions, mysterious illness, my body betraying me one system after another with no understandable reason as to why at the time.
After a couple of years of fighting, finding answers I didn’t like, trying to pretend I was ok even though we all knew I was only getting worse, and trying to force life to go back to “normal”, I found myself sitting in front of a judge. Sitting there, fighting back the tears and attempting to keep a straight face as I felt my back dislocate and my hip fall out of place, knowing that meant I would not be able to stand up when it was time to do so. Reading the judgement that came in the mail not long after… effectively forcing me out of the workforce for my own good and banning me from returning.
All of this and more came flooding into my mind and heart as I heard that woman utter those words… “you can’t be disabled 24/7″… Unfortunately… yes you can. My response to her was that I was forced out of the workforce by a court judge because I am THAT disabled. For her, that was end of that. Conversation took a different turn and she backed off in that area. For me though, the wound of the past is sitting here staring me in the face once again. I need to learn to quit being so fearful of facing it. Like it or not, it’s a part of me now. It doesn’t need to define me though. Thank God in Heaven that it doesn’t need to define me.
The world sees me as broken, past my prime, cast off. Being disabled is the end of the line for general society; they don’t tend to look past it well. Once you can’t fit their mold, or do all they think you should, what you still can do doesn’t amount to much in their eyes.   God however tells me I am beautiful, his daughter, a masterpiece in the making, and that I have a future worth being here for. Best of all he promises that He’s got a plan and will not let anything go to waste. Even an old wound that has caused so much damage and changed so much, can be used to help make a beautiful future if it is handed over to God. ❤

Snakes and Fences

A friend of mine recently pointed me to a site where I could listen and watch church services on-line from a trusted church. With my memory and distractibility and everything going on, I ended up putting it off at first and then accidentally forgetting about it until I came across my note last night. I’ve watched a couple of the sermons through the night, and they both resonated deeply with me. One was simply encouraging. Powerful encouragement paired with helpful and wise advice. The second was encouraging and helpful too, but in a way that I feel requires more of a committed response out of me than just a prayer of thanks and a simple share telling others to watch. It really hit home on an issue that is so broad yet so personal at the same time; and so important for me and all of us.

One of my favorite parts comes towards the end. To get the full weight of it, you need the whole talk, but it really hit home for me when he chose to wrap it up by talking about Christ on the cross. Especially when he started talking about looking at Christ on the cross and remembering it was our sins that put him there. Not so we would feel guilty or ashamed, but so that we would be reminded that Christ was on that cross, with all our sins, so that He could pay the price for them and offer us freedom and forgiveness. But in order to see, remember, and embrace that message… we first have to admit it applies to us because we’ve screwed up. We have to admit we’re not perfect, that we don’t have it all under control, that we have messed up and have done so often.

We are fence breakers. We have poison in our life from all the snake bites. We even have poison from snake bites that were caused by someone else breaking a fence. But we also have hope and forgiveness. We have grace and healing and a fresh start in Christ. Let us never forget that part. Let us also never take advantage of it.

Please take the time to watch and listen to this sermon, “Snakes and Fences”. It’s pretty powerful truth. ❤

Late Night Thoughts

Life doesn’t come easy for me,
but I still believe in my dreams.
Some people may call it crazy
but I like to stretch beyond my means.

For it’s only when I am spent and done
that God can truly show His strength.
And when He shows up, I know I’ve won
and for that I would go to any length.

Things might not always turn out right,
but they always turn out best.
There are times I feel like giving up the fight,
but then He gives me rest.

Of course His ways are higher than mine,
so I don’t always understand Him.
Sometimes I wish He could send me a sign,
then I realize He’s just waiting for me to read them.

His Word is here right in front of me,
It’s value truly worth more than gold.
When I humble myself and read,
His words help make me whole.

He is drawing me closer year by year
while training my heart to listen.
Day by day He helps melt my fear;
as He teaches me how to trust Him.

Life doesn’t come easy for me,
but I still believe in my dreams.
Some people may call it crazy
but I like to stretch beyond my means.

For it’s only when I am spent and done
that God can truly show His strength.
And when He shows up, I know I’ve won
and for that I would go to any length.



Christmas Blessings

DSCF1552_taggedHe did it again. Every year God does something way beyond anything I could ever hope for or expect to help me remember He still has me and my boys wrapped tightly in His arms. And every year, He brings me to tears when He does it. The blessings always have an intensely personal touch on them too which just blows me away and floods me with a peace and gratefulness that no words could explain.

Christmas blessings specifically have been happening ever since David was just a little guy, barely over 1 year old.  Gifts showing up for the boys, regardless of my financial means at the time or whether or not anyone else knew of my struggles.  Random strangers anonymously being used to fulfill secret needs and answer my hearts deepest prayers.  Friendships and company coming from the least expected sources just when I needed it most, and more.  So much more. ❤

This year has proven to be another chapter in this history of blessings that God is graciously choosing to build in my life.  I have been crippled all year from the injury I sustained back in December of 2013. I have been wheelchair bound since August when a doctor finally did surgery to repair the injury. God has blessed me left and right all year long, keeping me encouraged and helping me keep my head above the stormy waters that seem insistent on surrounding me. This Christmas season He has blessed me many times too through friends and family in ways I understandably counted as the yearly blessing/encouragement He has been providing me.  Then today happened.

DSCF1556-taggedAs most of you know, the boys are rowdy, energetic, and all over the place on an almost constant basis and as a result have been ripping their pants to shreds left and right and at a much quicker pace than I could ever possibly replace them. I have had many ask me how they could help my family and boys this year due to my injury making my needy state painfully obvious to anyone that looks our way. The thing I have requested most, outside of a present or two for the boys and help with putting up decorations, was for “pants without holes”. I even have been praying repeatedly for God to provide for my boys somehow in this area specifically.

I seriously needed help providing this for my boys and didn’t have the means to do so on my own with the rate the boys were destroying them (never on purpose by the way). I have had a couple people step up and help me which I was, and still am, beyond grateful for. Then today, while at my PT session, my therapist told me she had a surprise waiting for me before I left. She said it was from another client of hers and she wasn’t allowed to say who but was instructed to make sure I got the gift. The person behind it had seen me and my boys many times, and wanted to do something special for us. When I got home, the boys and I opened the gift to find two kids baking sets.

DSCF1565-tagged1) A gingerbread men kit which happen to be something the boys were begging for, but I couldn’t afford.
2) A sugar cookie set with a “Frozen” theme that I saw before and quietly wished I could provide for my boys.

Baking is one of my most favorite Christmas traditions and my health and mobilization issues have been a barrier this year to trying to keep it. These kits were a pretty cherished surprise for me. ^_^

That wasn’t all though. The boys then found a handful of gift card boxes in the bottom of the bag.

$50 gas card
6 coupons for free haircuts
$25 Wal-mart card
$200 Burlington Coat Factory card with a $5 bonus card specifically written out with the intended use to be for the boys’ clothing needs.

Yep. I started crying.

Thank-you Father. ❤ For everything.

Bad Morning, Sweet Mercy

God just blessed me again with His sweet mercy. The new home health nurse came out this morning for an evaluation and saw that I had run out of ice and have been like this for over a day now (I am on a machine that pumps ice water throughout my splint to keep my surgery site cooled down but I don’t have the help needed to keep the ice supplied for it to work), and that due to my EDS the effects of my pain meds is unstable and unpredictable making it a gamble to take when I don’t have a worker here for my kids, and then of course all the other stuff like my need for transfer help, possible wound care, washing my hair, light housework and meals, etc. She made up a report requesting my insurance to approve 3 days a week of home help and once a week nurse aid and said it tends to take about a week to find out if we will get approved.  Then she broke one of my pills in half and brought me some food from the kitchen so I could take something for the pain that was causing me to fight back tears during the whole appointment (she broke it in half in hopes it would be enough to ease the pain without knocking me out cold in the process).

As if all this wasn’t enough of a blessing, she just showed back up after leaving for the day with her arms full of bags of ice.  Bless God for His loving and wonderful mercy and the beautiful people like this nurse that allow Him to use them to help others. I am still crying, but the tears are no longer from pain, fear, and being overwhelmed, but rather from the sweet and blessed realization of God stepping in and coming to my rescue yet again.

My morning started off pretty bad with a canceled sitter which led to me having to cancel my follow up appointment today which got me yelled at by the surgeon’s nurse. All this while I am fighting back the urge to cry out in intense pain because my ankle felt like it was being burned with a branding iron. I haven’t solved the situation with the follow up appointment yet and finding a new sitter, but God in His sweet mercy has at least provided a way to take the physical pain away from me, and I can’t thank Him enough for it. ❤

Peace admist the storm

As I sat here tonight, struggling with the emotions dragged up by a recent message from an old hurt, and simply with the everyday chaos that is my hyper children who never seem to be able to sleep before sunrise no matter how badly I want and need them too, I suddenly was reminded of one of the most tried and true ways to help me let His peace take over for me.  Worship.  Particularly in the form of singing.

I was browsing my facebook news feed in between pauses of a show I was trying to watch on-line (my internet tends to drag lol), and I came across this…


At first, I just smiled at the reminder of a timeless favorite of mine, hit the share button, and went on with my mindless surfing while trying to get my mind off all the stress from being tired amongst very awake boys, and the emotional struggle I mentioned earlier.  Lately my strategy for dealing with these nights/situations has been to push through it as best I can, ignore as much as possible, and do everything I can to distract my mind from it.  To be honest, it’s not working.

Tonight though, when my video once again paused for more buffering, I went back to my facebook feed and refreshed it.  My sharing of the above post was on top and suddenly I just wanted to sing it.  So I did.

My boys were playing and making their usual stimming noises and other things, my heart was still feeling the weight of the emotions that were dragged back up to the surface, and I was still way too tired to be doing anything, let alone singing.  But I still sang.  And you know what?  It felt good. : )  And as I sang, the boys quieted down and came over, my heart let go of it’s tangled grief for a moment, and my voice strengthened with each line softly and sweetly sang.

It didn’t solve all the world’s problems and it didn’t magically fix all the pain or make my boys capable of sleeping at night again, but it did do something wonderfully worthwhile.  It helped bring back His peace.  I felt it slowly sweep over me just like it always used to do.

I know it’s not practical to say I will sing now every time I feel stressed, overwhelmed, hurt, or feel like there is too much on my plate, and to be honest, I know that even if I did say that, I wouldn’t follow through too well on it.  I can say though that I will be getting out my old song book again.  I wont be neglecting the personal and spiritual value of simply lifting a quiet song of praise, worship, or remembrance up to Him.  I have let this truth and reality slip away from me far too easily and far too often.  Yet every time by His mercy that I am reminded of it again, it brings with it the same sustaining and refreshing power it always has before.

When I was younger, there was a time it could have been said one couldn’t stop me from singing.  I was seemingly always in song.  And not just the silly made up ones like what I still do, but also random breaking out into worship and praise songs, simply because they came to mind, or because I needed some extra peace, or I wanted to express my joy.  I miss that side of me… and tonight, I am starting a journey to try and get it back.

Thankful for Him

This Father’s Day, through a friend’s post that came up through my newsfeed on facebook, I was reminded of a truth and reality so simple yet so profound at the same time. One that warmed my heart and made me feel a whole lot better on a day that usually forces me to battle against serious depression.

I may not have had a dad to grow up with or make memories with as a child (although I have him now and I am very grateful for that) and my own husband and the father of my children may have walked out on us and is no longer here for us either, but one thing no one can or will ever take away is my Heavenly Father. The One I can count on to never leave nor forsake me. The One I know loves me no matter what, and He always will.

Thank-You God for being such a good, loving, and faithful Father to me over the years. Thank-You for the promise that I can count on You to never stop as well. Thank-You for all You have done for me and all You have taught me. Most of all… thank-You for being You.

Happy Father’s Day to the best Father anyone could ever have. ((hugs))