hard night but not without hope

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The above word picture was posted on Facebook by a dear friend of mine and I couldn’t have seen it at a better moment.  It’s another all-nighter with two boys that won’t even yawn let alone lay down and stay in bed lol and we’re over at Grandma’s house again tonight too so there hasn’t been the usual things for me to do to keep myself awake and entertained (if I don’t stay somewhat entertained, the staying awake part doesn’t work out too well haha) so I’ve been messing around here and there while attempting to keep the boys’ noise level down enough to allow my mom to still get the rest she needs.

At one point, I ended up jumping on-line to check my messages and waste some time on Facebook, but when I brought up the site, the first thing I saw was his picture next to a status update about how he’s checking out new girls…  My mom’s account was still signed into from when she was on earlier.  This is where I should have immediately just logged her out and logged myself in like I always do but for some reason I let myself click on his name and look at his page.  It had been a long time since I had seen his face outside of an old picture here and there…  the long hair he finally grew looks good on him just like I thought it would way back when.  I started to remember the Aaron I once knew and fell in love with… the one I had hoped for so long would truly re-surface and take over… The random pics of him with other girls though and the piles of crude jokes and statuses among other things served to remind me again of who it was that I really lost.

I’ve been getting hurt deeply from day one of our marriage.  Literally.  To be honest I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit I couldn’t see it at first for what it really was and that when I did see it, I tried to excuse it away or make it better for so long…  And looking back on everything I can now see the red flags that should have been slapping me in the face while we were still dating… Abuse can be tricky sometimes… when you spend your life surviving certain types of abuse and finally manage to break free, you can sometimes be blinded to the very real abuse you’re entering into or being surrounded by in a new relationship simply because you’re putting all your energy and attention into making sure the old type of abuse doesn’t happen to you again.

And sometimes, you find yourself looking back after months, years, maybe even decades (mine sadly took years) and you start to realize that the pain, heartache, and fear you were living in really wasn’t all your fault like you had been taught to believe by so many for so long…  and you start trying to break free again and pick up what’s left of your shattered and confused heart…

That’s where I am now…  Thanks to God and some precious new friends that have entered my life over the last year I am getting there.  Slowly but surely.  Some nights still hit hard though and the tears start leaking out all over again…  Especially when new “fuel” so to speak has been added to the fire…

Know what hurts more than even all of that though?  He’s finally being nice to me again…  now that’s he’s getting his divorce…  he even had the nerve to say he loves me after years of me longing to hear those words but never having that privilege…  To me, that’s cold.  And it’s what hurts the most…

I heard a song on the radio today too though that made me tear up from the comfort it gave.  It fits my situation, my whole life really, pretty well…  The comforting message?  God doesn’t waste our pain…

“Nothing is Wasted” by Jason Gray

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4 thoughts on “hard night but not without hope

  1. This is so beautiful, raw and transparent. It is hard to be so honest but in doing so we not only set ourselves free but others too. I am sorry to hear about your divorce but I am certain God has a new plan. He often talkes about “doing a new thing” in His Word.

    I grew up in am abusive home. It was so bad that our doors were screwed in so we couldnt leave our home … But through that and many other things I find that when I am doing my hardest breaking … God does His very best work. I always thought stained glass windows really went in churches because they told the sinner’s story so well … Millions of broken pieces made into something so beatiful. And when the light shines in just right – boy oh boy!

    Praying for you and your children. His grace IS enough and He has a good new plan for your life! He will never leave or forsake you. They say the devil is in the details but I believe that the details, as ALL things, belong to our Father. And He will make the details beautiful. Just give it time.

  2. I am going through a similar situation right now. I like the sandpaper quote. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

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