Late night thoughts

I’ve started playing some of the games on Facebook lately to help pass some time when the boys are still awake but I’m too tired to do much but stay awake.  One of my favorites has been a garden game where you create your own virtual garden.  Seeing as I don’t have money to spend on something as frivolous as digital game pieces, my garden is taking me forever to create and clean out, but it’s been relaxing for the most part too.  Especially when I just hit the full screen option and look at it and start to imagine myself sitting in there with my two kids playing on the playground (in my imagination, the playground is already fixed by the way lol).  It somehow makes me feel close to my Grandma Jane again when I do that.  Especially since I have filled the garden with her favorite flower (purple iris) as well as the flower that was special between the two of us (yellow daffodils).

I’ve always wanted a garden of my own and this isn’t the first time I’ve dreamed of having an elaborate one that could serve as sort of a miniature retreat as well from daily life and stresses.  However, unless my boys become really great gardeners or I become rich, I will not have either. lol  I have what my grandma used to call, a charcoal thumb.  After accidentally killing her very healthy cactuses in just 3 days, she said “black” thumb just wasn’t good enough of a description. lol  Ironically enough, she put me on cactus duty to help build my confidence level because I was getting down about having uprooted and/or killed so many flowers out in her garden already from poor weeding skills.  ><  She claimed that no one can kill a cactus because they were too hardy for that.  Well… let’s just say she never said that again. 😉

I find myself missing my Grandma Jane quite a bit lately.  I haven’t really had a time where I haven’t missed her since I lost her back in 2006, but some times are definitely harder than others and this is one of them.  Between my schedule getting crazy busy again with the new fundraiser getting closer, my oldest son’s health taking u-turns and dashing off through “secret passage ways” so to speak being sure to keep everyone guessing and scratching their heads, and my current situation of having to navigate myself through an official divorce that I never even wanted but have been given little to no choice on, and honestly just life in general too I’ll admit…

I have found myself longing more than usual for those afternoons in her garden or the early evenings in her living room.  For the chats at the breakfast table and the teasing jests when she discovered I ate all the corn muffins again before they could even completely cool off. *chuckle*

I miss her wisdom, her laughter, her creativity.  I miss her smile, her insight, and the way she could “just know” without you having to say a word.  I miss crafting on her couch and sitting next to her as she gardened.  I miss her caring heart and strong yet gentle arms that were always ready for hugs.

There are so many things I miss about my Grandma Jane, but most of all, I just miss her.

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